I need to get out of this mindset. It’ll rip me to pieces if I keep thinking like this. I can’t have that. It’s not fair on my friends. It’s not fair on my family. It’s not fair on my pets. Most importantly, it’s not fair on myself. I don’t deserve to feel like I deserve failure when I haven’t allowed myself to try. Even when I fail there should be no backlash this severe, rather a bitter happiness that at least I tried.

I will always have two opinions on this subject. Right now you’re hearing the better one. The other one was born from mistrust and selfishness. It makes sure to show itself when I am weak and cannot stand the reality of a situation. It will make sure the blame falls upon a perhaps innocent party. It is never my fault in its eyes. The only concern of this mindset is keeping my skin scar free. Scars come from losing those you love. That, it whispers to me, is why you should not love. All affection ends in agony. There is no escape unless you die first. This demon of an outlook was prominent in me when I was younger. I continue to forget you cannot outgrow it or leave it behind.

I’ve recently learnt of my friend’s own misery. They have resorted to self harm. To say I haven’t considered it would be downright lying. In this life-long storm that rages it is good to have company under your umbrella who understands the hopelessness of it all. You might get wetter since there’s less space beneath the flimsy place shade from the rain but you learn then that talking helps, it helps so much. To find someone who will listen and understand is hard. You may never find someone so in sync with your lamentations as I have. I hope you do. They’re a blessing to your life. Never let them out of your sight for too long.

For now I will continue on. I will not let these dark thoughts engulf either of us. I cannot allow my outlook to become jaded and sheltered. We’re stronger than this.

 

Advertisements