Yesterday, officially, my relationship ended. While I felt guilt and sadness at the time now I feel surprisingly fine. It’s been a night’s sleep and three pieces of buttered toast and I’m ready to go to work. The shift is five hours and I am working alone. I guess the time can be spent thinking, though I’ll probably spend it worrying my workplace will fire me for not sweeping the floor enough.
By yesterday’s point I knew my relationship was long buried in the ground, tombstone waiting to be given an inscription. Now, that inscription would be ‘Here lies her relationship. It ended over chat because they were both socially awkward’. Everything is finished and I’m a free individual. I’ve left my flowers and shed my tears (squatting in the shower trying not to slip over) and I’m walking out the graveyard’s gates and wondering this: what now? Am I really this free?
There’s the niggling concern that nobody will ever love me as much as he did. I think of myself as unlovable, intolerable, a terrible human being with a strange obsession with animal skulls. Was a relationship I was severely unhappy with the only relationship I would ever be happy in? Don’t get me wrong, I can support myself. All the security I want I will provide for myself. I don’t need a man with a quavering voice to ask ‘who’s there?’ when I can do the same screaming at the top of my lungs brandishing the toilet brush and pretending it’s a tomahawk. I just want a new take on the idea of a relationship. I’ve only ever been in one serious on in twenty two years. Another for reference would be nice.
The title there is in reference to a creative piece I wrote last night. It goes along the idea of metaphorically and literally the strings would take on one another’s shape long after they’ve been separated. That’s not a bad thing, just a whimsical one really.
(Also the photo is something I took while on a trip. This isn’t someone I know personally. My friend and I sat with this memorial for awhile though, wondering what kind of person he was. I mean absolutely no disrespect using it here.)