Do I do this intentionally, set my goals so high above my reach that I will forever be reaching? Sometimes I can cling to the edges of the wall at the expense of my fingernails, dragging myself up until I ultimately topple back to where I stood. The ledge will always remain above me. Beyond it lies the light of a warm sun and promises of problem free living. I put my faith into what lies beyond it and I dare not look down.
Optimism is easy to have as a child. As you grow older it becomes harder to believe in such dreams when you know the world for its cruelty and lack of empathy. As you grow older you see others who have taken the right end of the stick and are living fruitfully and you want to scream and cry and tear yourself apart until the despicable feeling fades away.
Every step forward is simply one step. I’ll never see my successes for what they are when my ultimate goal is so monolithic. I once put my faith in the future and that future is me and still I am not living the life I desired. It is my fault and nobody else’s. That burden is heavy. It is something I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself, not until I reach the light. Until then I’ll let the guilt eat me alive. I, after all, deserve it.