This is a space I find more liberating when I don’t recognise faces in the crowd. If you’ve seen me in the flesh and you read my blog, that doesn’t give me any comfort and rather the opposite.
It’s difficult to write a blog on what’s occurring in life right now as everything has been changing so rapidly. In the last year so much has happened and yet nothing at all. Here I sit after doing a little bit of nothing much all day. I’ve done things, but I haven’t done anything. This is such a common oxymoron in my life that it makes me think that no matter how much I do in this lifetime I will never be happy. Is it ever possible to achieve this sense of satisfaction? I’ve probably doomed myself to a life of high expectations that I can never reach. This would not surprise me.
I’m always tired. Is it physical, emotional, or mental? People are exhausting. Repetition is my worst enemy. The unknown is the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Its promises of something mythical and strange are what keep me moving, never satisfied. If I have it I don’t want it. If it’s close enough I’ll see the flaws. If I’ve tasted it once I want to taste one better. The best way I can describe it is simultaneously building yourself up and knocking down your securities.
I want to write an absolute shit-storm on my relationship, my friends, my family, my series, and my life but I can’t, not yet. It’s something that takes awhile to explain and even writing it in my mind it sounds so devilishly self-centred. I know a majority of my posts are on anxiety however what is just as important as its side effects on your life and emotions is where it lives, where it came from, who it feeds off. That’s why I need to write about all those things. There are things that have occurred and are occurring that make me want to leave this home and never return, try my luck in the cruel world that will ultimately kick my arse to the floor. That unknown territory and eventual pain is more exciting that this.