I haven’t posted in awhile. I don’t know why. There’s been a cloud of laziness sitting above my head raining ice cold depression onto my skin. It’s the kind that sinks into the bones and sets, follows with long mornings spent lying in bed watching the things outside the window and wondering when you will have the energy to join them. I haven’t been sleeping well either. I keep having nightmares and half awake hysteria. If you know how it feels then I send sympathy your way. 22 and nightmare prone doesn’t really give off the vibe of stability. I’m also drinking in the afternoon simply because I want to and not because I need it. It’s a vodka cruiser from my last little celebration, pulled out to have a celebration of my own to revel in my slowly returning energy.
I’d be lying if I said I was fine. I am incredibly lonely and fearful that I will ever get into a relationship again. My job is the itching, prickling thorn in my side that I’d happily take a lighter to did I not need it there to get a steady wage. University is on the way and here I am applying for full-time work at Christian Colleges as a librarian. While my energy is returning my sanity is not. I don’t think it ever will. I don’t remember having it in the first place. It sounds rather typical to say, so let’s change sanity to ‘sense of normality and ability to make rational decisions’.
Seeing my psych has been helping my anxiety but with University on the horizon it looms in a threatening stance, desperate to pounce once again. No matter how far I run it always seems to know where I am going and meets me there. It feels like I’ve made such progress and to go back on that would be horrific. I don’t know if she’ll understand what’s happening if I fall back into that pit. If I do. I won’t let myself. I’ll try not to, at the very least. That’s a promise I have made to myself that I intend to keep.
Also job searching. Also no creative work. Also not writing on here because I’m a shit. I promise I’ll change that. I feel like I have a lot of things to update to no-one in particular, and that’s fine. I’ll do my best.