I am feeling the need to be destructive not only towards myself but everything and everyone around me I deem unfair. I mean, there is no point in keeping to the straight line when the straight line has only gotten me this far. There is no reward and no acknowledgement, just keep doing what you’re doing and you might find some self satisfaction some day. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t care if my future is tainted. It’s barely a future as I see it now. Let things crumble to dust for at least it is me doing the wrecking this time: I have control. I will destroy the things in my life before anyone else can.
I will never get a new job and getting fired from this one means nothing. I can scream until my throat burns with blood but nothing changes. Everyone is blind. Everyone is silent. That’s why I’m screaming. I’ll never feel satisfaction and each time I see other’s happiness I taste soot in my mouth. I’m sorry but it’s not something I can help. Constant rejection and belittlement makes the best people into the worst.
I’m not exactly sure what this destructive behaviour will evolve into, but it has to be better than what I’ve currently got. Let it ruin me and rip me away until the basics remain. Perhaps we can rebuild what a negative society cemented to me.